Interesting Articles Regarding Living with an Adult ADHD Partner

Hi all, it's Ed the webmaster/blogmaster again. While surfing the web recently I ran across two brief but interesting articles related to ADHD and adult relationships at www.suite101.com. I thought I'd take a moment to share them with the group. Read on.

When a Loved One Has ADHD

Coping Strategies for Living with Someone with ADHD

Sep 11, 2009 Lucia Jenkins

Living with an ADHD Partner - sharell74

When a loved one has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder his actions may be frustrating and hard to understand.

Living with someone who has ADHD can be quite challenging. An adult who has ADHD has most likely grown up hearing negative messages about his performance, his grades,

and his work ethic. These messages, engrained from childhood, can have an extremely negative impact on anyone. These messages do not simply go away as individuals get

older. In fact, the negative messages continue to play, affecting a person’s self esteem and leaving him with insecurity and shame.

The Impact of ADHD

With a low self esteem and the constant message that nothing they do is right, children graduate into adulthood ill equipped to handle adult relationships, work

situations, deadlines and even social events. Since people with ADHD are often criticized for a lack of effort on their part as children, they easily turn innocent

comments made by loved ones into criticisms against them. When an adult with ADHD continues to feel criticized by a loved one, even when criticism is not meant,

resentment starts to grow.

When a loved one has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder his actions may be frustrating and hard to understand. ADHD adults often find it hard to complete

projects, forget important events, miss details of conversations and not remember agreed upon decisions. While loved ones may try to overcompensate for their ADHD

partners, this only leaves them feeling resentful toward their ADHD partners.

Strategies for Living with Someone with ADHD

An adult with ADHD will have to work hard at having a successful relationship. Those living with an ADHD partner will have to remain flexible and understanding. Here

are some helpful tips for living with someone with ADHD:

Do not overwhelm with details. A person with ADHD may easily feel overwhelmed and quickly tune out. Though an important discussion may need to had, it may be necessary

to break up the discussion or revisit the next day to ensure both partners are on the same page.

Do not criticize. An adult with ADHD has likely grown up being criticized for many things. If a loved one continues the criticism, this will leave the ADHD adult

feeling resentful and may cause even lower self esteem.

Recognize that an ADHD partner cannot simply be better. ADHD is a genetic disorder that must be treated on an ongoing basis to keep under control. Asking a partner to

be better at organizing or remembering things will simply not work and only add to the frustration.

Offer support for ADHD treatments. Finding a treatment that helps is different for each person and may take a while. If an ADHD partner is willing to get help provide

the support and encouragement along the way it will help. Offer loving feedback that will help to determine if the chosen treatment is having any effect.

Having a healthy and successful relationship with an adult with ADHD is possible. There will be challenging and frustrating times for sure. But if each partner is

committed to the relationship and trying to overcome the challenges, a strong and supportive relationship is possible.

-----

Living with an ADD/ADHD Spouse or Partner

Dealing with Challenges of Adult Relationships Involving ADD/ADHD

May 9, 2009 Joelle Godwin

The prototype for the person with ADD/ADHD is a young person, but what about relationships the ADD/ADHD adult has with his or her spouse or partner?

The average person may think Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) affects only children, or perhaps college age adults. As the population of those diagnosed with the disorder ages, however, it may begin experiencing difficulties in interpersonal relationships, particularly with spouses or close partners.

By the same token, for the partner of the person with ADD or ADHD, understanding how the disorder bears on the relationship can affect quality of life. Often the non-ADD/ADHD can become frustrated and overwhelmed by unfinished home projects, forgotten appointments, or inattention to everyday duties.

Capturing the focus of the spouse or partner with ADD or ADHD is one trick which often keeps a husband or wife from having to repeat themselves. In simple terms, making eye contact and speaking very clearly and directly can help immensely. Writing down reminders to reinforce verbal requests or input is another strategy.

Richard B. Austin, Jr., Ph.D., in his article, Solutions for Intimacy Problems for Adults with ADHD, suggests that “active, careful listening with a feedback loop” is essential to eliminating the gap between adults who have ADHD (or ADD) and those who don’t. The “feedback loop” is simply a way of paraphrasing the non-ADD/ADHD spouse after he or she listens to what is being said. Any discrepancy in meaning can then be clarified. Additionally, it requires concentration on the part of the ADD/ADHD adult.

Allowing adequate time for projects, including time for distractions, can help a couple conquer daily projects as well as long-term goals. Making time lines more realistic by setting “interruption allotments” can prevent frustration. It’s all about expectations. Not lowering them, just being realistic.

Dr. David W. Goodman, M.D., assistant professor of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and Director of the Adult Attention Deficit Disorder Center of Maryland asserts that ADD/ADHD symptoms can increase during stressful times. It is most important for the non-ADD/ADHD spouse or partner to realize at these times that symptoms such as ineffective time management, forgetfulness, and procrastination may worsen due to stress. An adult or couple may want to seek professional psychiatric help involving a combination of drug- and talk-therapy.

No Excuses

Using ADD/ADHD as an excuse, however, is not appropriate. Neither the person with the disorder nor his or her spouse should blame behavior on it. Blaming behavior on the disorder could create a dangerous tendency to absolve the ADD/ADHD person of responsibility.

Of course, if the spouse or partner with ADD or ADHD recognizes the strain his or her disorder places on the relationship he or she may consciously address it. Allowing open discussions about the effects of the disorder on the dynamic between two people is a sign of real willingness to improve the relationship. Remembering to treat adult ADD/ADHD relationships with the respect and care they require is paramount to being successful.

(Want to add your comment but not 100% sure how to do so? It's easy. Click here for a super-quick tutorial!)

Post Meeting Discussion: "Relationships and ADHD"

(This is a repost of the 10/13/2009 entry on the old FOCUS+ blog)

Click here for meeting notes.

Ruth Evenhouse guided a discussion on the topic of "Relationships and ADHD", which focused primarily on close personal relationships.

Issues raised:

• Stress associated with impulsive behavior by a person with ADHD - sudden plan changes, impulsive statements, impulse shopping, etc. The groiup also discussed the flip side of that issue, i.e. how many of us with ADHD have difficulty adjusting quickly and effectively when someone else changes plans on us on short notice.


• The frequent disconnect between individuals with ADHD and those close to them without ADHD regarding things like organization. Individuals with ADHD are frequently disorganized, with information in piles instead of being neatly filed and with the all-too-common side effect of arriving late for appointments or missing them altogether.


• The fact that ADHD minds are drawn to the newest and/or most interesting tasks before them instead of the most urgent or important ones.

Some options for improving those factors in relationships, as well as the ability of the person with ADHD to function effectively, included:

• Hiring a professional organizer to help cull and organize elements of a person's work or personal life and to put in place a realistic, sustainable organization system with the apropriate tools.


• For the more budget-minded among us, one member suggested a DIY (Do It Yourself) approach by reading The Personal Efficiency Program (PEP). available at Amazon.com and most bookstores.


• Setting up "launch pads" for onesself and one's children that are pre-staged every evening for the morning' s launch. Homework, backpacks, lunches, car keyes, cell phones, etc. are all placed in one specific area for "grab and go" use in the morning. This speeds the process, lessens stress and greatly reduces the chance of running late because one hat to search for his or her car keys for a half hour.


• Setting up ground rules. If the punctual, non-ADHD partner is ready to go, then she/he has the option of leaving alone to arrive on time for the event and the slower partner can simply follow when ready.


• Setting up a calendar/to-do list that is permanently visible at one's workstation or in one's home. This avoids the out-of-sight, out-of-mind problem. A calendar can also help one to be more realistic when factoring in preparation, clean-up and travel time for activities.


• Using an alarm watch or something similar to remind the person to "remember to remember" - to pause and ask themself: what am I forgetting to do right now?

Finally, the group took some time to acknowledge the positive impact that ADHD can bring to a relationship. Persons with ADHD can be very spontaneous, energetic, enthusiastic and creative people. Very often they (we) are mutually drawn to people who need that "spark" but also bring with them the more practical and organized characteristics that we need.

Any comments or personal stories you'd like to share on this topic?

Any questions that you didn't get the chance to ask?

Any other suggestions for how to make sure that the impact of ADHD on a relationship is a positive, or at least a neutral, one?