Post Meeting Discussion: "Relationships and ADHD"

(This is a repost of the 10/13/2009 entry on the old FOCUS+ blog)

Click here for meeting notes.

Ruth Evenhouse guided a discussion on the topic of "Relationships and ADHD", which focused primarily on close personal relationships.

Issues raised:

• Stress associated with impulsive behavior by a person with ADHD - sudden plan changes, impulsive statements, impulse shopping, etc. The groiup also discussed the flip side of that issue, i.e. how many of us with ADHD have difficulty adjusting quickly and effectively when someone else changes plans on us on short notice.


• The frequent disconnect between individuals with ADHD and those close to them without ADHD regarding things like organization. Individuals with ADHD are frequently disorganized, with information in piles instead of being neatly filed and with the all-too-common side effect of arriving late for appointments or missing them altogether.


• The fact that ADHD minds are drawn to the newest and/or most interesting tasks before them instead of the most urgent or important ones.

Some options for improving those factors in relationships, as well as the ability of the person with ADHD to function effectively, included:

• Hiring a professional organizer to help cull and organize elements of a person's work or personal life and to put in place a realistic, sustainable organization system with the apropriate tools.


• For the more budget-minded among us, one member suggested a DIY (Do It Yourself) approach by reading The Personal Efficiency Program (PEP). available at Amazon.com and most bookstores.


• Setting up "launch pads" for onesself and one's children that are pre-staged every evening for the morning' s launch. Homework, backpacks, lunches, car keyes, cell phones, etc. are all placed in one specific area for "grab and go" use in the morning. This speeds the process, lessens stress and greatly reduces the chance of running late because one hat to search for his or her car keys for a half hour.


• Setting up ground rules. If the punctual, non-ADHD partner is ready to go, then she/he has the option of leaving alone to arrive on time for the event and the slower partner can simply follow when ready.


• Setting up a calendar/to-do list that is permanently visible at one's workstation or in one's home. This avoids the out-of-sight, out-of-mind problem. A calendar can also help one to be more realistic when factoring in preparation, clean-up and travel time for activities.


• Using an alarm watch or something similar to remind the person to "remember to remember" - to pause and ask themself: what am I forgetting to do right now?

Finally, the group took some time to acknowledge the positive impact that ADHD can bring to a relationship. Persons with ADHD can be very spontaneous, energetic, enthusiastic and creative people. Very often they (we) are mutually drawn to people who need that "spark" but also bring with them the more practical and organized characteristics that we need.

Any comments or personal stories you'd like to share on this topic?

Any questions that you didn't get the chance to ask?

Any other suggestions for how to make sure that the impact of ADHD on a relationship is a positive, or at least a neutral, one?